Yesterday, I spent a wonderful afternoon with Amy, my friend and mentee. With a common goal in mind (to work on our “Eye on Melrose” photography project), we met after school to brainstorm and strategize. Armed with a snack from Dunkin Donuts, and our disposable camera, we began our trek around the city.

Citing the rise in domestic violence-related deaths in our state, Governor Deval Patrick recently directed the Massachusetts Department of Public Health to issue a public health advisory on domestic violence, alerting the public and health care providers to pay attention to this pressing health issue. Nationally domestic violence-related deaths have declined, but in Massachusetts the number was nearly three times higher in 2007 than in 2005. So far in 2008 there have been 19 domestic violence homicides and five domestic violence-related suicides for a total of 24 deaths. The Melrose Alliance Against Violence (MAAV) commends Governor Patrick for calling attention to the severity of the problem of domestic violence and applauds his commitment to addressing the issue. In Melrose, community leaders and organizations have worked together for the past 13 years through MAAV to raise public awareness, reach out to victims, and educate and support young people in order to prevent teen dating and domestic violence. The coalition includes representatives from City Hall, the police, schools, clergy, healthcare providers, business community, students and parents. MAAV Director Rebecca Mooney reports that while significant progress has been made, much work remains to be done. According to Mooney, restraining orders on file at the Melrose Police Department have decreased by more than 50% over the past 10 years. “When I first started at MAAV in 1997, there were about 2-3 incidents of domestic violence reported to the police each day. Today the reports average 2-3 per week.” However, Mooney notes, most domestic violence goes unreported. “Fear and shame keeps victims from seeking help. We urge anyone in our community who needs help to call or e-mail us through our web site at www.maav.org. Our services are free and confidential.” Chief of Police Mike Lyle adds “The Melrose Police Department takes domestic violence very seriously. In fact this year we have taken the initiative to promote Officer Pam Daye as our Domestic Violence liaison between the department, MAAV and the community.” Joseph Casey, Superintendent of the Melrose Public Schools, agrees that the community partnership is vital and that “safe homes ensure safe schools.” “MAAV has an excellent reputation statewide for addressing domestic violence, stated Rep. Katherine Clark, “Their work saves lives, and I encourage people who become aware of domestic violence to reach out for help.”

I thought I would remember what it was like to be a seventh-grader, and as I’ve interacted with our mentees over the past several weeks, I’ve recalled some of those memories.  But it’s different for kids today.  It’s harder.

Lose weight, get a new job, pay off the bills.. How many times, year after year, do we make the same list of resolutions? “This year will be different!" we say. But if you are like most people, as the weeks go on it’s difficult to keep those promises to yourself.

As part of the initial training for the Melrose CARES Community Mentoring Program, volunteers are asked to reflect on someone in their lives (besides a parent) who made a significant positive impact when they were growing up. Participants are then asked to describe the qualities of that relationship. Responses often include words like "unconditional support," "guidance," "made me feel special" or "saw something in me I didn’t see in myself." Some of these relationships were life-changing, or even life-saving.

Published in the Melrose Free Press on November 22, 2006

The subject of domestic violence has been in the news and on the airwaves in Boston, as Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Brett Meyers was recently arrested for assaulting his wife on the street outside a local bar. The incident reminds us once again that domestic violence is a reality in far too many relationships, and that fame, money, and social status do not protect against it. What interested me most in following this story was not the incident itself, which of course was disturbing, but the reactions to it. As a litmus test for how we view domestic violence in 2006, some responses were disappointing and others were heartening.

Where is your favorite view of nature in Melrose? What about a place that makes you feel proud of your community? Is there a place or object you would like to learn more about in the city?

It was the third session of our support group for girls at Melrose High. One girl turned to another and stated matter of factly "You made my life a living hell in middle school." The other girl replied, "I know. I’m sorry for picking on you. All I can say is that I had a lot going on in my life, and it was more about me than about you. But that doesn’t make it right and I’m sorry."As facilitator of that support group, what I remember most about this remarkable exchange was how the first girl’s face and whole body visibly changed when she heard the apology. I felt as though I was watching cells realign, adjusting to something finally made right. The apology did not take away the pain of being bullied, but it mattered.Several summers ago I asked my best friend if she remembered a period of time in 7th grade when she and the other girls in our "clique" stopped talking to me and deliberately shunned me. She honestly didn’t remember. I told her I could vividly recall crying in the girls’ bathroom, and pleading with the group to tell me "what I had done wrong." She responded that although she didn’t remember, she believed me, and said "I’m sorry I did that to you." Thirty years later, and it mattered.The Melrose Alliance Against Violence has received a federal grant for youth violence prevention that will enable our community to address one of the primary causes of violence and pain: bullying. Not just physical bullying but extreme teasing, verbal threats and exclusion. In my work with MAAV, I have learned that almost everyone has a deeply personal story to tell about bullying– as targets, bystanders or bullies themselves. Regardless of how many years have passed, the stories are filled with anguish and shame.A major goal of our grant project is to reduce the incidence of bullying at the middle school level. Research shows that bullying starts at the elementary level and peaks in middle school. Research also shows that 60% of students identified as bullies in grades 6-9 have a criminal record in ten years. Targets of bullying can suffer many long-term psychological effects, including becoming aggressive themselves.The Melrose Veterans Memorial Middle School has an excellent track record of working to create a caring, inclusive environment for all students. The administrators and teachers are top notch. But as in all middle schools, bullying, both direct and indirect, does occur. The grant will enable us to implement a school-wide, comprehensive bullying prevention program that has been shown to reduce bullying by 30-50%. It focuses on the actions of the bystanders as well as the bullies and their targets. It trains and empowers the faculty, who are responsible for the safety and well-being of students. In addition to the school-based program, we will be looking for ways to engage parents and the community in our prevention efforts. Together we must promote a culture where bullying is not seen as an inevitable rite of childhood, but as abuse. And like any form of abuse, it should never be ignored, tolerated or excused.

———Rebecca Mooney