I am often teased that I don’t just watch TV, I actually interact with the shows.  I can get completely engrossed in a program and find myself smiling and nodding in agreement or shaking my head in disbelief.

As I watched Oprah’s show on the topic of dating violence last week, I found myself doing a bit of both.  I was pleased that this critical issue was getting national attention, but shook my head in disbelief at the number of teenagers who blamed the victim.  In this case, they were discussing the issue that brought dating violence into the headlines- the brutal attack on singer Rihanna, at the hands of her boyfriend Chris Brown.  Though several of the teens expressed shock or outrage about the attack, others blamed her for returning to her abuser.  One young woman took it further and suggested Rihanna “provoked” the attack by hitting him first.  An informal survey of 200 teenagers by the Boston Public Health Commission last week found nearly half believed Rihanna was responsible for her own assault - which police say required hospital treatment.  44% said that using physical contact to gain power or harm was a normal part of a relationship,  and only half said that Chris Brown was responsible for the incident.

Teaching teens about the warning signs of an abusive relationship, myths and facts, and the dangerous cycle of dating violence is critical. One myth is that a young woman must have low self-esteem if “she’s willing to put up with abuse.”  What we know to be true is that a young woman with high self-esteem can also be brought into a violent relationship.  Often she thinks she can help her boyfriend change. Eventually the abuse erodes the woman’s self-esteem and isolates her from family and friends.  When the abuse becomes physical,  the victim is traumatized and can feel terrified, alone and ashamed.  As a result, many victims do not seek help from their closest friends or immediate family members.

The case of Rihanna and Chris Brown is tragic but, sadly, not uncommon.  Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the U.S. is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, according to the National Council on Crime and Delinquency Focus.  We must continue to educate our young women and men about the dangers of an unhealthy relationship, how to spot warning signs and where to turn if they need help.  For the last 10 years, the Melrose Alliance Against Violence (MAAV) has partnered with the Melrose Veterans Memorial Middle School to lead a program with 8^th grade students called “Healthy Relationships.”  This 6-session program, co-taught with Health teacher Jean Keefe,  gives students the tools they need to recognize and avoid abuse, understand the cycle of relationship violence and learn about resources for help.  Last week, MAAV trainer Alice Wadley administered the same survey mentioned above with 8^th graders in Melrose who are currently participating in the Healthy Relationships program.  97% said that Chris Brown was responsible for the incident, and none said that using physical contact to gain power or harm was a normal part of a relationship.  Although this is not a scientific survey by any means, it does indicate that education makes a difference.

We encourage parents to  use all news stories about dating violence as  “teachable moments” with youth.  Ask them about their opinions and then share your own. Let young people know that violence in relationships is never acceptable.  MAAV’s website provides a wealth of information and resources on the subject , including tips on parenting for healthy relationships. To learn more, please visit www.maav.org or call the MAAV office at (781) 662-2010.

Jaclyn Lavender Bird is the Outreach & Development Specialist for the Melrose Alliance Against Violence. She lives in Melrose with her husband and two young sons.