Published in the Melrose Free Press on November 22, 2006

Bring up the topic of kids and bullying, and invariably, one or more of the following statements is uttered: All kids go through it. It builds character…They have to fight their own battles. I went through it, and I’m ok.Sometimes it takes a shift in perspective for us to realize that we can no longer accept bullying as a rite of passage. Compare bullying to spousal abuse and sexual harassment, neither of which we would condone or label character-building, and the similarities among all three become clear: 1) an imbalance of power between perpetrator and victim; 2) the perpetrator blames the victim for the abuse; and 3) if the abuse is not stopped, the victim often comes to blame him/herself for the abuse. To view bullying through the lens of other types of abuse makes clear the need to refrain from dismissing it as “normal.” Abuse is NOT normal.To that perspective, add the complicating modern-day factor of nano-second, wireless, always-connected communication among kids via technology (i.e. cell phones, text messaging, email, hate websites, instant messaging) and you’ve got a recipe for what I call “evergreen” abuse-even in the sanctity of one’s own home, the harassment may seem endless.For parents whose kids are being intimidated and harassed by kids at school, or online, you are well aware of what a lonely and confusing place it can be. You may wonder “when is it time to intervene, and, if I do, what steps do I take that won’t make it worse for my child?” The time to intervene is NOW, however, intervening does not mean that you immediately march to the school, create a scene in the guidance office, then file a police report. Intervening means talking and listening to your child, making him/her feel supported and safe, and problem-solving together.Make it clear to your child that the bullying is not their fault, and they do not have to face the problem alone.

• Keep clear records of what your child tells you with dates, times, places and the names of those involved. This will be helpful if/when you contact the school for help.
• Brainstorm problem-solving solutions together. Begin by asking what the child has already tried which has not worked thus far, then give them permission to try something else. Many children have already tried ignoring the bullies, for example, and have aptly noticed that it does not stop the bullying, and indeed, it may have gotten worse.
• Enlist school personnel as allies and work together toward a solution. Respectfully insist that they take bullying seriously, but resist the temptation to blame them, as creating defensiveness does not help your child or the situation. School personnel are those most in a position to help your child by investigating bullying incidents, and ensuring that those who bully are earning appropriate consequences for their aggressive behavior.

Remember, also, that while your child does not have to suffer in silence, neither do you. Seeking out support for yourself during a stressful time is not only a healthy way for you cope with difficult circumstances, it also models for your child that it is ok to ask for help. Bonus: Sharing your experiences with others breaks the deafening “code of silence” that perpetuates the idea that bullying is “normal.”Robin LoConte, M.S., is the Bullying Prevention Coordinator for the Melrose CARES Youth Violence Prevention Project, a partnership between the Melrose Alliance Against Violence and the Melrose Veterans Memorial Middle School. For more information, please call MAAV at 781-662-2010.