CONSENT & COOKIES

Rethinking teachable scenarios, from toddlers to teens

Written by: Jennifer Berryman Horne**

Imagine you're a kid and you break a cookie in half to share with a friend.  You feel generous, pleased, empowered.  Now imagine someone rushes up and rudely grabs a cookie right out of your hand.  You feel cheated, shocked, victimized.

We all get the difference between sharing and stealing.  Why does it feel confusing or tricky to wrap our heads around these concepts when we wander into the realm of sex?

We all know consent matters, but what does it really mean?  Each of us decides who we share ourself with, and when, and how.  That’s it.This is a simple idea that can be taught to children as soon as they can talk.   But the concept of consent evolves as our kids grow up, and it lives right alongside all the other lessons about respect for oneself and others.  And so it’s a topic we raise early, often, and again and again.  How do we talk about consent at each age and stage?

Elementary Ages: Beyond "Enforced Sharing" 

Conventional wisdom makes us pressure toddlers to share everything, even when (or especially when) they don’t want to.  Through preschool and kindergarten, the entire class is often invited to birthday parties, things are always distributed equally, and sharing is enforced.  The focus on fairness is straightforward.  

Once they’re developmentally ready, however, it’s important to move past this basic concept of sharing.  Challenging their sense of entitlement is key to the formation of healthy boundaries.  The way we enforce equal sharing can be problematic if it sets kids up to feeling entitled.  We have to actively temper the lesson they just learned in the prior stage.  We must now introduce a contrasting truth:  Life isn't fair.   

At elementary ages, help your child pay attention to relationship dynamics as they arise and introduce receiving versus taking from others:

• Maybe your friend shares an oatmeal cookie with you, but refuses to share their chocolate chip ones… What helps you respect their choice?

• Say your friend shared with you last week, but changed their mind today… How can you help yourself feel okay about their decision? 

• What if your friend says yes, but their body language tells you they do not really want to share right now.  What can you do if their words and behavior don’t match?

Sharing still matters.  But respecting an individual’s choice to share - or not - becomes more important at this age.

Middle School: Power Dynamics & Pressure

For middle school tweens, social groups revolve around popularity and pressure to conform.  Scenarios with middle schoolers can evolve into more nuanced discussions on pressuring others and power dynamics:

• What if you can persuade someone into giving up their cookie?  That’s not technically stealing, right?  But if someone did that to you - made you feel guilty and pestered - would it be comfortable, or awkward?  

• Have you ever had a friend trick you into a swap but what they traded or promised didn’t feel worth it?  If you ended up giving in, did you feel betrayed or swindled?

• Imagine someone comes over to play with your new birthday gift, but then ignores you at school. Would you feel used?

  
  

High School: Culture, Media, & More 

By high school, teens may discover or experiment with their sexuality.  Unfortunately, this is where parents might clam up, or default to the “no means no” consent talks they were taught.  Rather, now is the time to help raise your teen’s awareness of the various ways society, environments and cultures normalize, perpetuate, ignore, trivialize or excuse sexual violence.   Exposure to these damaging norms can skew their understanding of healthy relationships.  It’s pervasive and subtle.  

Because teens are naturally seeking information about dating and sexual relationships, consider how you’ve guided your child up to now with new information. Remember, knowledge is protective!  Introduce sexual specifics as unabashedly as you taught them to wipe their bums and bathe their bodies when they were small. Because, when parents fail to teach, teens will seek it out elsewhere - memes, podcasts, blogosphere, pornography, or friends (“first you’re gonna do this, then you’re gonna… and they’re gonna love it"), which can lead to detrimental results.

Consider these ways to engage your teen:

• Be interested and curious about your teen’s group chats and peer conversations about romantic or intimate interactions.  If your teen repeats an off-color joke or comment, be nonjudgmental but explore it.  What makes it funny?  What makes it relatable?  How might that kind of thinking erode fairness or respect?

• Consume media alongside your teens.  If you see a meme that objectifies women, or normalizes coercion or assault…  your teen has probably seen it, too.  Don’t hesitate to bring up anecdotes about sex, gender, and power in movies and media.  Help raise their awareness to the toxic, controlling, or obsessive behaviors that are often romanticized as grand gestures in movies - like Twilight and The Notebook -  but are red flags in real life (e.g., stalking, obsession, manipulative lovebombing, and ignoring boundaries).  

• Maybe use the “cookies” metaphor to communicate concepts if your teen cringes at explicit details.  To address how unwelcome entitlement is never okay, even if a person’s past choices or reputation seem to suggest otherwise:  “Let’s say someone is known for sharing their cookies - a lot.  Maybe they shared with your friends, but not you.  You think, ‘I'd love a cookie, and since they’re giving them out, it's only fair that I get one too.  Why, I'll just go help myself…’  STOP.  If you swipe a cookie that was not offered to you - that’s wrong.  It isn't yours to take.” 

• Discuss the role of dress and appearance with objective neutrality.  What might others guess about our proclivity to being sexually active from our fashion choices?  Validate your teen’s self-expression alongside wisdom about how others may relate to it.  Regardless of how it’s perceived, emphasize that provocative dress is never a green light.

• Offer your teen guidance on the mechanics of flirting. Reading non-verbal body language, behavioral signals, and contextual factors (e.g. eye contact, facial expressions, playful banter) are skills to learn so they can confidently gauge if someone is interested in them, or not.  Teach them how to send signals that are consistent with their true interest.  

• Talk about how alcohol or drug use can interfere with someone’s ability to consent.  Help your teen understand that substance use can increase vulnerability and miscommunication. An intoxicated person is not in the right frame of mind to give their consent; and that’s why it is illegal to drug another person with any substance (including alcohol) to coerce or facilitate sex.  Further, even engaging in sexual acts with someone who is under the influence can also be a crime.  The safest choice is to always avoid intoxicated sex.  Talk through ways to exit situations and to help friends at risk.  What can they do if they realize their potential sexual partner or a friend has consumed something that is influencing their behavior?  What if they’ve consumed something themselves? 

  
  

Every conversation about boundaries, respect, and autonomy helps our kids build the skills they need for healthy relationships.  When we talk with them about consent early and often, we help them understand that their choices matter, and that other people’s choices matter too. 

At every age, lessons on consent can be offered in everyday moments - even over a glass of milk and cookies.  These conversations will help your child build empathy, respect, and confidence to create healthy, safe relationships throughout their lives.  Is anything more tasteful, rich and sweet?

If you’d like to equip your child with these relationship skills in their classroom, MAAV offers “Healthy Relationships” in the Melrose Public Schools from grades 4 - 9.  If your child’s class or school is not yet participating, email MAAV directly at info@maav.org.

Additional Resources:

Child Mind Institute's Talking with your child about sex & consent here

CommonSense Media's list of books to help kids and tweens understand the importance of consent here

**Author Jennifer J. Berryman Horne has been writing on parenting topics since 2010 and began writing about sexual assault in 2015.  She has presented to live audiences of 20 - 600 attendees on the topics of conflict resolution, mediation, apology, and reconciliation.

In May 2019, she spoke about her experiences as a rape survivor to Men for MAAV, and it was featured on the front page of the Melrose Free Press.

She has celebrated 22 anniversaries with her husband Kenneth Horne, and they have 2 sons and a daughter, ages 9 to 15.  She grew up in Texas, and studied at Boston College before making her home in Melrose, MA.